HalfBlood Hansel and Gretel
by Glato Everlark
Summary: A PJO twist to the Grimm Fairy tale Hansel and Gretel after Dionysus and Chiron go broke. Plz review:


PS this is a million generations after Percy...

Story so far...

Dionysus was too hungover to grow any more strawberries or grapes, so the competing half-blood camps took all the other half-bloods 'cause Camp Half-Blood became broke... which leaves them with two demigods who, incidentally, were named Hansel and Gretel (and btw the first Hansel and Gretel were half-blood children of Hermes who escaped Hecate, goddess of magic).

Dionysus: (Moan).

Chiron: You call yourself a god? Man, you're too cheap to feed only four people! No wonder the whole Aphrodite camp ran away to Camp Olympus. (Chews pinochle card).

Dionysus: If I wasn't in this state, you'd be horse-kebabs.

Chiron: (Rolls eyes) Scary. Go grow some grapes, will ya?

Dionysus: (Moan) Too hungover. Pass me a card.

Chiron: Alas, we should thank the gods we have precious game cards to eat. As for Hansel and Gretel...

Dionysus: (Snorts) Who cares about those trickster kids? Let's throw them out to the woods.

Chiron: You are as ruthless as my father.

Dionysus: Who was your father again? Rudolph? Cuz that guy is kinda sweet.

Chiron: Anyhow, no throwing kids into woods. You know how the dryads feel about that.

Dionysus: Wasn't Camp Half-Blood too cheap to supply for them?

Chiron: (Sigh).

Dionysus: Anyhow, with them gone, we'll have a quarter each with them gone.

Chiron: Dear. (Chews card).

Dionysus: (Sniff) Clearly, you appreciate not my valiant efforts to get cash-

Chiron: - You mean drinking up the last of our cash-

Dionysus: - So I will not dig further into this case.

Chiron: Ask Hermes for a thousand.

Dionysus: No.

Chiron: Mortal job?

Dionysus: No.

Chiron: Welfare? Food stamps?

Dionysus: Grr...

Chiron: Soup kitchen?

Dionysus: WTF you're not cool! Shut it!

Chiron: (Covers mouth, laughs) Ooh... I'm telling Zeus you cussed!

(Thunder booms)

Dionysus: Dagnabbit! Anyhow, I can get you a new coffee mug with the money. From Savers.

Chiron: Nope, nope, not gonna kill kids like my daddy. And besides, we have no coffee to drink.

Dionysus: But there's creamer to eat. Meeting adjourned.

Chiron: Hey! I get to adjourn meetings!

Dionysus: But I'm the god.

Chiron: (Sulk) Very well. But you better start saving up for the coffee mug and coffee. No buying absinthe or stuff.

(Hansel and Gretel heard it all).

Hansel: I knew it! That guy hated us!

Gretel: Nah, he's too cheap to hate.

Hansel: (Sobs) They're, like, gonna kill us and they won't get me my carebear.

Gretel: Wasn't that given away to some restaurant for a dinner for four?

Hansel: (Sobs harder).

Gretel: You're kinda gay, aren't ya?

Hansel: No, I'm a bi.

Gretel: Anyhow, let's pack our stuff.

Hansel: What stuff?

Gretel: Like, the Guide to Hobo Safety that got stolen.

Hansel: But that got stolen.

Gretel: Oh, then let's come on.

Hansel: (Shakes head) Eh, e-hhhhh...

Gretel: (Rolls eyes) What now?

Hansel: Insufficient grammar.

Gretel: Oh, bother.

(Just like the story goes, Hansel and Gretel ran into a cake house).

Hansel: (Licks lips) Toxic.

Gretel: This is gonna put Little Debbie to shame, man!

Hansel: Clap your hands, clap your feet, Praise the Lord, we can eat!

Gretel: Funny (Rolls eyes).

(Minutes later, a wooden house covered in saliva and frosting is left).

Hansel: Exactly how many calories...?

Gretel: God, you care about calories now?

Hansel: No using God's name in vain.

Gretel: You're span.

Hansel: You're retarded.

Gretel: You're repeating what I said. You're dumb.

Hansel: And you're stupid.

Witch: (Walks up to them) Dude, is that my house you're eating? (Drops Target bag to the ground). I leave to Target for a minute and you EAT MY HOUSE?

Hansel and Gretel: It's not- We were- It...

Witch: No worries. Just don't eat the frosted yard gnomes. Lol jk too late! You guys ate it :).

(Hansel and Gretel whisper to each other)

Hansel: So how did the story go?

Gretel: I think they shoved her in an oven. Don't know. I can't read.

Hansel: Well let's just stab her.

(They stabbed her. Wait, they STABBED her? Damn you, Hansel and Gretel! I can't go for a narrator coffee break now! Grr.)

Gretel: (Flicks off narrator).

THE END!


End file.
